My Own Writing
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Conversation
Dating
Life Partner Assessment
Sex
A relationship is a combination of two bodies and two personalities.
Getting into a relationship is easy. Staying in it is hard.
Other people will love you only to the same degree you love yourself, because you will inevitably reveal how lovable you think you are, and you are in the best position to assess your own lovability.
Every kind word and deed helps a relationship. Every criticism and attack harms it.
Relationships must be continually nurtured, by small acts of caring, kindness, and concern.
Great relationships come from joining two great lives; not from one leeching off another. Each person must bring just as much value into the relationship. Otherwise, it will be unbalanced and will not last.
Relationship Sustainability Factors
– Mutual physical attraction. You both have to want to kiss each other, touch each other, and enjoy seeing each other naked.
– Conversational compatibility. You’re both interested in enough of the same things to talk about them for hours on end. You can amuse and enrich each other.
Intimacy requires vulnerability.
Actions near the start of a relationship tend to be magnified. Something that might be appreciated later in the relationship can be regarded with alarm if it occurs too soon. Partly it has to do with the level of intimacy and trust you’ve established and partly because, at the beginning, when you don’t know each other well, you’re looking for signs about each other’s personality, strengths, weaknesses, etc. There’s a tendency to read too much into actions, so you want to be careful not to send the wrong message.
We all want someone who can recognize our own specialness.
You must recognize and appreciate each other’s specialness.
You need to learn to stand on your own two feet before anyone will want to stand with you.
If you can supply yourself with at least some of what you might otherwise need from a partner, that makes you less dependent on them. They can sense this and find it appealing because it relieves them of having to provide it.
Books on Relationships
Friendship
Book Excerpts
100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships
by David Niven. 2003.
[Couples who have been married for decades] told me I should include [the following points in my book]:
– Find a happy medium, which includes some time together and some time alone
– Have patience, communication, and compromise
– Talk out any problems that arise
– Be unselfish
– Have a strong work ethic, a sense of humor, and a love of family
– Say “I’m sorry,” “thank you,” and “I forgot.”
– Have mutual respect
– Enjoy each other’s company
– Work together for the true, the good, and the beautiful
– Respect each other’s integrity, and understand differences
– Show your appreciation for each other
“Regardless of how well you know a person, and how long you have lived with that person, I think corresponding with them shows you a completely different side of them,” Brenda says. “A letter, even an email, is like a window into their soul.”
Relationships crumble under the weight of imbalance. Neither person can be more important. Neither person can be more involved or committed. Neither person can make all the decisions. Neither person can make all the sacrifices.
When two people are in a relationship, chances are each is pursuing individual dreams. The strongest relationships support both partners’ dreams, even if they differ, not one partner’s at the expense of the other’s.
People who consider their partner conscientious, a person who consistently does what they say they are going to do, were 26% more likely to rate their relationship healthy and reported 41% less conflict in their relationship. Dependability was rated among the most desired qualities in a partner.
Confessions of a True Romantic
by Gregory Godek. 2003.
Everyone wants to be in love, stay in love, and live a fun, passionate, fulfilling, and meaningful life.
You fell in love with a person, not a gender. It is important to get to know who your partner really is. You fell in love with a person with a specific personality and a unique soul. You fell in love with a person with a unique history, many endearing qualities, a few infuriating habits, and lots of wonderful quirks. It is this unique combination of factors that captivated you.
“One always loves the person who understands you.”
–Anais Nin
Like all living things, relationships either grow or they die. They change or they stagnate. They’re either getting better or they’re getting worse.
If Love is a Game, These are the Rules
by Cherie Carter-Scott. 1999.
The Ten Rules
1. You must love yourself first
2. Partnering is a choice
3. Creating love is a process
4. Relationships provide opportunities to grow
5. Communication is essential
6. Negotiation will be required
7. Your relationship will be challenged by change
8. You must nurture the relationship for it to thrive
9. Renewal is the key to longevity
10. You will forget all this the moment you fall in love
Introduction
Authentic love requires that you discover and embrace your authentic self, and from that essential self draw to you the person with whom you want to hold hands and experience the adventure of life.
Authentic love is honoring your partner’s truth and wanting the very best for him or her. It is not controlling or possessing but rather respecting and trusting his or her unique path in life.
Rule One: You Must Love Yourself First
The quality of your relationship between you and your self is paramount, for all your other relationships are based on it. This relationship acts as a template from which all the unions in your life are shaped, setting the quality, tone, and texture for how you relate to others and how they relate to you. It establishes the working model of how to give and receive love.
The depth and quality of the link between you and yourself ultimately determines the success of your relationship with others. If an authentic love relationship is what you desire, then the first natural step you must take is to learn to love, honor, and cherish yourself as a truly precious and lovable being.
…most say they want someone who is kind, considerate, and loving; who will treat them with respect and unconditional acceptance and listen to their wishes, goals, and dreams; who will make them feel special and cherished; who will cheer at their successes; someone with whom they can be completely open and honest and to whom they can feel completely connected in heart, mind, body, and soul.
The place within you that generates self-love is the exact same place that attracts authentic love from others. If that source is clouded, your ability to attract a relationship that glistens with the magical sparkle of love is eclipsed. In order to bring light to that inner source, you will need first to learn how to give to yourself what you are seeking from another.
If there is one basic law about the energy of love, it is this: How you perceive and treat yourself is exactly how others will perceive and treat you.
Nurturing is a demonstration to yourself, from yourself, that you matter and that you are worth the expense of time, energy, effort, or money. Make a list of the things that recharge and rejuvenate you; this can be anything from sensory pleasures to physical activity to spiritual practices that renew you. List only things that make you feel special. Things like:
• Having a massage
• Spending a day in bed when you’re not sick
• Going biking
• Having coffee with a friend
• Burning your favorite scented candle
• Listening to your favorite music
Choose at least nurturing act per day and do it.
Rule Three: Creating Love is a Process
Authentic love is built on a foundation of strong, intimate bonds that can only be formed through time and experience. Imagine if you tried to build a house without taking the time to be sure each board and stone was properly placed and supported and every nail hammered in securely. The house might be built in record time, but at what cost?
Think of your relationship as the house you are building and the process of creating love as the work that goes into building it. If you try to rush through the stages of creating authentic love, you may end up with something that looks like a relationship but may not be secure enough to sustain you through life’s stormy times.
When we first encounter a potential partner, we may be tempted to rush the process so that we can get through the evolutionary stages quickly and get to the “good stuff.” However, love is an energy with inherent laws, and one of them is that love refuses to be rushed.
Five stages of love:
1. Connection
2. Exploration
3. Evaluation
4. Building Intimacy
5. Commitment
Stage One: Connection
Connection occurs when the exchange of energy between two people flows without reservation. Romantic connections usually begin with a spark—that invisible chemical attraction that draws two people like magnets. Sometimes it feels like déjà vu, that strange familiarity as though you have known that person before; it can also show up as an intense feeling of stimulation, or as a sense of profound comfort.
Connection can occur on several different levels, often at the same time: mentally, when two minds “click”; emotionally, when two personalities are “simpatico”; or spiritually, when two souls vibrate at the same frequency.
The primary method of building intimacy is simply opening the door and allowing your partner to truly see the truth of who you are in all of your dimensions.
Revealing private thoughts invites your partner in to your innermost world and lets him or her know that he or she is a welcome confidant. Withholding builds walls, disclosing builds bridges. It’s your choice—walls or bridges.
Simply spending time just being together invites intimacy. When you lie quietly with your partner and listen to her heartbeat and the cadence of her breathing, you connect yourselves on a basic energetic and human level.
A connection between your hearts and souls will sustain you, but it is the actual dynamic of how you relate that will determine the quality of your experience together.
Rule Seven: Your Relationship Will Be Challenged By Change
You and your partner are a team. What that means is that you will need to work together and to dance to the steps of change in tandem. Where one is weak, the other can be strong; when one is damaged, the other can offer healing; when one has doubt, the other can provide faith.
Rule Eight: You Must Nurture The Relationship For It To Thrive
Thoughtfulness is showing your partner that you care, that she matters, and that you hold her in your consciousness. It means consciously and deliberately doing things to show your love. It is the act of predicting what your partner might like, want, or need, and then go beyond your normal routine to provide it.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
by John M. Gottman Ph.D. 1999.
Chapter 1: Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth About Happy Marriages
The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship.
At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.
Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.
In the strongest marriages, husband and wide share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just “get along”—they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.
Chapter 3: Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps
Love Maps Questionnaire
1. I can name my partner’s best friends.
2. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing.
3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.
4. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.
5. I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas.
6. I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life.
7. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
8. I know my partner’s favorite music.
9. I can list my partner’s three favorite movies.
10. My partner is familiar with my current stresses.
11. I know the three most special times in my partner’s life.
12. I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child.
13. I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life.
14. I know my partner’s major current worries.
15. My partner knows who my friends are.
16. I know what my partner would want to do if he or she suddenly won the lottery.
17. I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner.
18. Periodically I ask my partner about his or her world right now.
19. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.
20. My partner is familiar with my hopes and aspirations.
I appreciate that my partner is:
1. Loving
2. Sensitive
3. Brave
4. Intelligent
5. Thoughtful
6. Generous
7. Loyal
8. Truthful
9. Strong
10. Energetic
11. Sexy
12. Decisive
13. Creative
14. Imaginative
15. Fun
16. Attractive
17. Interesting
18. Supportive
19. Funny
20. Considerate
21. Affectionate
22. Organized
23. Resourceful
24. Athletic
25. Cheerful
26. Coordinated
27. Graceful
28. Elegant
29. Gracious
30. Playful
31. Caring
32. A great friend
33. Exciting
34. Thrifty
35. Full of plans
36. Shy
37. Vulnerable
38. Committed
39. Involved
40. Expressive
41. Active
42. Careful
43. Reserved
44. Adventurous
45. Receptive
46. Reliable
47. Responsible
48. Dependable
49. Nurturing
50. Warm
51. Virile
52. Kind
53. Gentle
54. Practical
55. Lusty
56. Witty
57. Relaxed
58. Beautiful
59. Handsome
60. Rich
61. Calm
62. Lively
63. A great partner
64. A great parent
65. Assertive
66. Protective
67. Sweet
68. Tender
69. Powerful
70. Flexible
71. Understanding
72. Silly
Chapter 10: Principle Six: Overcoming Gridlock
Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.
The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more meaningful and in a sense easier your marriage is likely to be.
A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions.
Afterword: What Now?
Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse.
Kiss, hold, and touch each other during the times you’re together. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep.
The other source of criticism in marriages comes from within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one’s life, particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as a criticism of oneself. Aaron cannot really appreciate or enjoy his own accomplishments. When he has a setback in his business, he feels deep down that he is worthless. When his business is successful, he doesn’t allow himself to be proud. There’s a voice inside him that says this is not good enough. He continually searches for approval but cannot enjoy it or even accept it when it is offered.
What happens to Aaron when he marries Courtney? Since he has trained his mind to see what is wrong, what is missing, and not to appreciate what is there, it’s difficult for him to rejoice in what’s right with Courtney or their marriage. So instead of appreciating Courtney’s wonderful qualities, including her sweetness, her devotion, and the deep emotional support she offers him when he is in danger of losing a major client, he focuses on what he considers her flaws—that she is highly emotional, somewhat awkward socially, and not as meticulously clean around the house as he’d like.
The story of Aaron and Courtney is what’s wrong 85 percent of the time in most marriages. If you consider yourself inadequate, you are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner. And, let’s face it: Anyone you marry will be lacking in certain desirable qualities. The problem is we tend to focus on what’s missing in our mate and overlook the fine qualities that are there—we take those for granted.
From Wikipedia on 23-Nov-2012
An interpersonal relationship is an association between two or more people that may range from fleeting to abiding. This association may be based on inference, love, solidarity, regular business interactions, or some other type of social commitment. Interpersonal relationships are formed in the context of social, cultural and other influences. The context can vary from family or kinship relations, friendship, marriage, relations with associates, work, clubs, neighborhoods, and places of worship. They may be regulated by law, custom, or mutual agreement, and are the basis of social groups and society as a whole.
Types of relationships
A relationship is normally viewed as a connection between individuals, such as a romantic or intimate relationship, or a parent–child relationship. Individuals can also have relationships with groups of people, such as the relation between a pastor and his congregation, an uncle and a family, or a mayor and a town. Finally, groups or even nations may have relations with each other, though this is a much broader domain than that covered under the topic of interpersonal relationships. (See such articles as international relations for more information on associations between groups). Most scholarly work on relationships focuses on the small subset of interpersonal relationships involving romantic partners in pairs or dyads.
Interpersonal relationships usually involve some level of interdependence. People in a relationship tend to influence each other, share their thoughts and feelings, and engage in activities together. Because of this interdependence, most things that change or impact one member of the relationship will have some level of impact on the other member.
Field of study
The study of interpersonal relationships involves several branches of the social sciences, including such disciplines as sociology, psychology, anthropology, and social work. The scientific study of relationships evolved during the 1990s and came to be referred to as ‘relationship science’, which distinguishes itself from anecdotal evidence or pseudo-experts by basing conclusions on data and objective analysis. Interpersonal ties are also a subject in mathematical sociology.
Development
Interpersonal relationships are dynamic systems that change continuously during their existence. Like living organisms, relationships have a beginning, a lifespan, and an end. They tend to grow and improve gradually, as people get to know each other and become closer emotionally, or they gradually deteriorate as people drift apart, move on with their lives and form new relationships with others. One of the most influential models of relationship development was proposed by psychologist George Levinger. This model was formulated to describe heterosexual, adult romantic relationships, but it has been applied to other kinds of interpersonal relations as well. According to the model, the natural development of a relationship follows five stages:
Acquaintance – Becoming acquainted depends on previous relationships, physical proximity, first impressions, and a variety of other factors. If two people begin to like each other, continued interactions may lead to the next stage, but acquaintance can continue indefinitely.
Buildup – During this stage, people begin to trust and care about each other. The need for intimacy, compatibility and such filtering agents as common background and goals will influence whether or not interaction continues.
Continuation – This stage follows a mutual commitment to a long-term friendship, romantic relationship, or marriage. It is generally a long, relative stable period. Nevertheless, continued growth and development will occur during this time. Mutual trust is important for sustaining the relationship.
Deterioration – Not all relationships deteriorate, but those that do tend to show signs of trouble. Boredom, resentment, and dissatisfaction may occur, and individuals may communicate less and avoid self-disclosure. Loss of trust and betrayals may take place as the downward spiral continues, eventually ending the relationship. (Alternately, the participants may find some way to resolve the problems and reestablish trust.)
Termination – The final stage marks the end of the relationship, either by death in the case of a healthy relationship, or by separation.
Friendships may involve some degree of transitivity. In other words, a person may become a friend of an existing friend’s friend. However, if two people have a sexual relationship with the same person, they may become competitors rather than friends. Accordingly, sexual behavior with the sexual partner of a friend may damage the friendship (see love triangle). Sexual activities between two friends tend to alter that relationship, either by “taking it to the next level” or by severing it.
Flourishing relationships
Positive psychologists use the term “flourishing relationships” to describe interpersonal relationships that are not merely happy, but instead characterized by intimacy, growth, and resilience.[4] Flourishing relationships also allow a dynamic balance between focus on the intimate relationships and focus on other social relationships.
Background
While traditional psychologists specializing in close relationships have focused on relationship dysfunction, positive psychology argues that relationship health is not merely the absence of relationship dysfunction. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of secure attachment and are maintained with love and purposeful positive relationship behaviors. Additionally, healthy relationships can be made to “flourish.” Positive psychologists are exploring what makes existing relationships flourish and what skills can be taught to partners to enhance their existing and future personal relationships. A social skills approach posits that individuals differ in their degree of communication skill, which has implications for their relationships. Relationships in which partners possess and enact relevant communication skills are more satisfying and stable than relationships in which partners lack appropriate communication skills.
Adult attachment and attachment theory
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of secure attachments. Adult attachment models represent an internal set of expectations and preferences regarding relationship intimacy that guide behavior. Secure adult attachment, characterized by low attachment-related avoidance and anxiety, has numerous benefits. Within the context of safe, secure attachments, people can pursue optimal human functioning and flourishing. This is because social acts that reinforce feelings of attachment also stimulate the release of neurotransmitters such as oxytocin and endorphin, which alleviate stress and create feelings of contentment. Attachment theory can also be used as a means of explaining adult relationships.
Love
The capacity for love gives depth to human relationships, brings people closer to each other physically and emotionally, and makes people think expansively about themselves and the world.
In his triangular theory of love, psychologist Robert Sternberg theorizes that love is a mix of three components: some (1) passion, or physical attraction; (2) intimacy, or feelings of closeness; and (3) commitment, involving the decision to initiate and sustain a relationship. The presence of all three components characterizes consummate love, the most durable type of love. In addition, the presence of intimacy and passion in marital relationships predicts marital satisfaction. Also, commitment is the best predictor of relationship satisfaction, especially in long-term relationships. Positive consequences of being in love include increased self-esteem and self-efficacy.
Referring to the emotion of love, Psychiatrist Daniel Casriel defined the “logic of love” as “the logic of pleasure and pain” in the concept of a “Relationship Road Map” that became the foundation of PAIRS’ relationship education classes.
”We are drawn to what we anticipate will be a source of pleasure and will look to avoid what we anticipate will be a source of pain. The emotion of love comes from the anticipation of pleasure.”
Based on Casriel’s theory, sustaining feelings of love in an interpersonal relationship requires “effective communication, emotional understanding, and healthy conflict resolution skills.”
Minding relationships
The mindfulness theory of relationships shows how closeness in relationships may be enhanced. Minding is the “reciprocal knowing process involving the nonstop, interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of persons in a relationship.” Five components of “minding” include:
– Knowing and being known: seeking to understand the partner
– Making relationship-enhancing attributions for behaviors: giving the benefit of the doubt
– Accepting and respecting: empathy and social skills
– Maintaining reciprocity: active participation in relationship enhancement
– Continuity in minding: persisting in mindfulness
– Culture of appreciation
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After studying married couples for many years, psychologist John Gottman has proposed the theory of the “magic ratio” for successful marriages. The theory says that for a marriage to be successful, couples must average a ratio of five positive interactions to one negative interaction. As the ratio moves to 1:1, divorce becomes more likely. Interpersonal interactions associated with negative relationships include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Over time, therapy aims to turn these interpersonal strategies into more positive ones, which include complaint, appreciation, acceptance of responsibility, and self-soothing. Similarly, partners in interpersonal relationships can incorporate positive components into difficult subjects in order to avoid emotional disconnection.
Capitalizing on positive events
People can capitalize on positive events in an interpersonal context to work toward flourishing relationships. People often turn to others to share their good news (termed “capitalization”). Studies show that both the act of telling others about good events and the response of the person with whom the event was shared have personal and interpersonal consequences, including increased positive emotions, subjective well-being, and self-esteem, and relationship benefits including intimacy, commitment, trust, liking, closeness, and stability. Studies show that the act of communicating positive events was associated with increased positive affect and well-being (beyond the impact of the positive event itself a). Other studies have found that relationships in which partners responded to “good news” communication enthusiastically were associated with higher relationship well-being.
Neurobiology of interpersonal connections
There is an emerging body of research across multiple disciplines investigating the neurological basis of attachment and the prosocial emotions and behaviors that are the prerequisites for healthy adult relationships.[5] The social environment, mediated by attachment, influences the maturation of structures in a child’s brain. This might explain how infant attachment affects adult emotional health. Researchers are currently investigating the link between positive caregiver–child relationships and the development of hormone systems, such as the HPA axis.
Applications
Researchers are developing an approach to couples therapy that moves partners from patterns of repeated conflict to patterns of more positive, comfortable exchanges. Goals of therapy include development of social and interpersonal skills. Expressing gratitude and sharing appreciation for a partner is the primary means for creating a positive relationship. Positive marital counseling also emphasizes mindfulness. The further study of “flourishing relationships could shape the future of premarital and marital counseling as well.”